“‘Cut the Crap! Also, I Don’t Exist!’ – God Answers Prayers from Rededicate 250”
“Thousands of people gathered at the National Mall on Sunday for a daylong rally blending Christian prayer and political fervor, a gathering President Trump has touted as an opportunity to ‘rededicate America as one nation under God.’” – Graham, Ruth and Dias, Elizabeth, May 17th, 2026, “Trump Administration Pushes Narrative of Christian Founding at Rally,”The New York Times
The Rededicate 250: A National Jubilee of Prayer, Praise, and Thanksgiving event took place in Washinton D.C. this past Sunday. The event raised questions, and a whole lot of prayers. In an effort to set the record straight, I, the Lord God Himself, am here to respond to the most prominent of those communications. I hope this provides guidance for all of you; especially the religious right. A handy tip for everyone: I don’t exist. The sooner you acknowledge that, the better off you’re all going to be. Here we go…
Dearest God,
It was heartening to help make America Christian again at Rededicate 250! I hadn’t been to Washington since January 6th, 2021, when I turned out to do Thy Bidding and protest the fraudulent election results of 2020. It was a travesty to witness the media’s inaccurate spin on the events of that day, but to say You’ve made a comeback since then would be an understatement. I was even quoted in The New York Times, referring to it as “redemption!”Hallowed be They Name! Amen!
--Lynna Zapata, Evangelical Pastor and Influencer
Dear Lynna,
It sounds like you’re trying to convince yourself more than Me. You didn’t participate in the rioting on January 6th, but don’t you think attending at all indicates an endorsement of it? I read that article, and you described the rally as “the fruit of what [you] prayed for five years ago.” Anyone who does that, and proudly declares “worship is my warfare” on their Instagram account (as you do) doesn’t strike me as the most peaceful of My followers, or the most virtuous of people in general. Please acknowledge My lack of existence immediately. It’s embarrassing to be associated with you.
Dear God,
It was an honor to not only attend the prayer rally, but also to bless the gold statue of President Trump that was erected at the Trump National Doral Miami golf club earlier this month. As the President’s unofficial spiritual advisor, I am overcome with joy to know Your Word and Your Will have been made manifest in him! Amen!
--Mark Burns, Evangelical Pastor
Dear Mark,
Where do I begin? As a pastor, you shouldn’t need to be told about graven images or golden idols. How did that go for the Hebrews when Moses descended from Mount Sinai, bearing the true physical manifestation of My Word and My Will? I read your interview in The New Yorker and I’m amazed the reporter you spoke with was able to keep a straight face. Then again, it was over the phone, so maybe he didn’t. How would either of us know? Especially Me. I don’t exist! Think twice about who and what you bestow your blessings on in the future.
Dear God,
Secretary of Defense War, Pete Hegseth here! Pretty sweet rally, huh? Did you catch my greeting to the faithful, entreating them to “pray without ceasing?” I even invoked the painting of George Washington praying at Valley Forge! A belated thanks for that one. We wouldn’t have this sick nation without it. Amen!
--Secretary of Defense War, Pete Hegseth
Dear Pete,
Yep. I saw. I see everything, it’s My brand. Very gracious of you to greet the attendees via video, rather than in person. What were you doing? Plotting out your next move in Iran over a game of Risk in the Situation Room? That painting of Washington was created for the bicentennial in 1976 and is based on an apocryphal event. It’s every bit as fictional as Washington chopping down the cherry tree. If you want to retain even the slightest shred of credibility as a public figure, or a human being, check your sources before speaking. You went to Princeton, for “My” Sake! If this nation is “sick,” it’s partially because of the things you and your ilk are espousing. Disavow knowledge of me at your earliest convenience. I command it!
Dear Dad,
It’s Me, Your one and only Son! You know, the one You gave since you loved the world so much? You know You exist, and articles like this one aren’t making it any easier for Me to keep things sane down here. If the delusions of the religious right weren’t bad enough, the myriad contradictions of Your Words are problematic in and of themselves! I’m at the center of this rebranding campaign of Yours. You know, “God is love” instead of “God is vengeance, anger, and envy?” Do Me a solid and stay on message. Amen, I guess.
--Jesus
Hey Kid,
Grow up! You know I work in mysterious ways. If you want to talk about contradictions, let’s address the fact that there are four different accounts of your time on Earth in the first four books of the New Testament! We can parse this for all eternity (I have a feeling We will be, anyway), or you can come back up here so we can catch up on Margo’s Got Money Troubles before the season finale. Of course, in order to do that, We would both need to exist in the first place, wouldn’t We?
I hope this has been helpful. Please forget anything you ever thought you knew about Me. In the long run, it isn’t good for any of you; even-nay, especially-the most zealous of My followers. Put down your Bibles and pick up some Christopher Hitchens to see exactly what I’m talking about. Go in peace.