“Coming Soon From the Makers of Capitalism: Plutocracy!”
“Government of the wealthy, by the wealthy, and for the wealthy!”
“Does My Renters’ Insurance Cover Unlawful FBI Raids?”
“This is a unique situation. For now, anyway. Please bear with me.”
“Prominent World Leaders Who Are More Excited About Taylor Swift Weigh in on the Russia-Ukraine Conflict”
“Would it be worth having her come in to broker peace?”
“I’d Like to Make it Clear We Are All “Never Trumpers!’” – A Statement from St. Peter the Apostle
“His ascendance to the presidency is a ‘sign from God?!’ Yeah. Fuck that noise.”
“I’m an Infectious, Formerly Non-Existent Disease, and I’ve Never Been Prouder to be an American!”
“It’s boom time for us airborne pathogens, and we have you, the good ol’ U.S. of A, to thank for it!”
“I Hereby Disavow Any Association With Dean Cain” – A Statement from Superman
“Despite my durability, this has become a pain in my ass!”
“I Woke Up in Both Un Chien Andalou and a Garfield Comic. I Hate Mondays…”
“The cat has emptied the contents of the refrigerator…”
“Nice Place to Visit, But I Wouldn’t Want to Live There Due to My Deep-Seated Personal Prejudices”
“Rather than broaden my horizons, I’ll sate myself with factually inaccurate swill.”
“This Was Not a Good Friday for Us” – A Statement from the Apostles of Jesus Christ
“It would be great to establish the largest religious movement in the history of the world and be canonized as the ones who were there when it all started, but who are we kidding?”
“We Will Make Broadway Great Again with a Taxpayer-Funded Revival of Cats!” – Donald Trump Issues a New Executive Order
“I worship at the altar of pretentious, aesthetically unappealing eighties stage musicals!”
“It’s Time for an Overdue Land Acknowledgement: We Built This City on Rock and Roll”
“Sifting through the detritus of half-remembered bands and musicians brought tears to our eyes and shudders of embarrassment as we realized, ‘Hey. I had that album.’”
Let’s Celebrate the Achievements of Martin Luther King Jr., Even as I Work to Fundamentally Destroy Them – A Statement from Your Company CEO
“Enjoy those adorable civil rights of yours while they last!”