“The King James Bible - With a New Introduction from the Author, King James!”
Greetings, subjects! It is I, your divinely-appointed monarch, King James VI. It’s a joy to revisit my magnum opus, the aptly-named King James Bible. It’s even better to know that, more than four hundred years after my death, you’re still basing your faith on a selectively edited version of the Good Book[1] I commissioned in 1604. I’m pleased as punch that my work has carried on into your time, and that the whims and wills of the wealthy elite are still dictating your beliefs, and your stations in life.
You see, peasants, when I decided to revise and consolidate the then-multiple existing versions of the Bible, it was an attempt at simplification. In terms that you, the unwashed masses can understand, think of it as a retcon in the Marvel Cinematic Universe that is the Christian Church. However, an endeavor that started as an earnest attempt to explain the unexplainable before science, mathematics, and basic reasoning were ubiquitous gradually turned into a thinly veiled lever of control.
Why the change in approach? Simple! We were adhering to the Golden Rule: “He who has the gold makes the rules!” And we had a lot of gold!
We plutocrats decided how we wanted to steer things by rewriting the strictures of God, and disseminating them to a populace that was largely illiterate. The Bible’s authoritative, dictatorial tone was enough to instill fealty, and the myriad ambiguities and contradictions of the text stoked petty squabbles amongst the groundlings[2]. You were so busy fighting amongst yourselves over which was the true faith, you didn’t notice your shared exploitation!
Does this sound familiar? I think the present occupant of the White House in Washington D.C. validates that my brand of rule is still very much in style. He even has his own version of The Bible! It shouldn’t be hard to connect the dots on this[3]. There’s more than one reason those “No Kings” protests are a thing.
In your time, my legacy is joined exclusively to this iteration of the Word of God. No one seems to be aware of my tendencies to pursue idle pastimes, often putting the business of running my kingdom to the side. The accusations of cronyism leveled against me, along with my insatiable seizures of power, and frivolous, woefully unsuccessful military endeavors have all been confined to the dust heap of history. I repeat: Does any of this sound familiar?
I hope my Bible brings you guidance, wisdom, and continued subservience to a ruler who loves you, but has no qualms about casting you into a lake of fire for all eternity for the slightest of transgressions. Keep reading, and remember to tithe ten percent of your annual income to the church of your affiliation. Blessed are the poor; especially when they voluntarily inflate the fortunes of the landed gentry and the parochial elite! Your submission is seen, and appreciated.
May God (i.e. me) bless you, and keep you in a perpetual state of groveling.[4]
[1] We call it “good,” even though reviews throughout history have been decidedly “mixed.” Ha-ha…
[2] That’s you.
[3] Because you’re dumb.
[4] Source: Me. King James Bible – Just Now Edition