“I Am Honored to be the Winner of the 2026 FIFA World Cup!” – Donald Trump
“President Trump appeared to be ushered away for Spain’s World Cup trophy presentation after the country won the FIFA World Cup in New Jersey on Sunday. Footage shows Trump standing next to the team as they get ready to lift the trophy as the new world champions, before FIFA President Gianni Infantino is seen gesturing for Trump to leave the stage.” – King, Jordan and Carbonaro, Giulia, July 20th, 2026, “Trump Ushered Away From Spain’s Trophy Shot at World Cup,” - Newsweek
Wow, this is tremendous! HUGE! It’s like nothing that’s ever happened before. Who would have thought that I, President Donald J. Trump, would be standing here as the first, and only individual to win the FIFA World Cup? I have no one to thank but myself, and every spineless crony and subhuman sack of shit who has enabled me every step of the way, I’ll get to you shortly! This isn’t just another win for me, it’s also a win for the United States, and the world as a whole. Are you sick of it yet?
Since I resumed office, the United States is back in full force. We’ve stimulated the economy from the top down by enabling record-breaking profits for the world’s wealthiest individuals and corporations. We’ve made our cities safe by recruiting undertrained, trigger-happy bigots to patrol the streets as members of the makeshift gestapo that is I.C.E. I also can’t forget the people who held their noses and voted for me, thinking I’d be good for the economy, despite disagreeing me on virtually everything else. Words are escaping me right now, even as I continue to spew them forth in an incoherent stew of elementary school vocabulary. Not even I, with my genius-level I.Q. can make sense of it.
Thanks to everyone at FIFA for helping to make this happen. Between this and your craven capitulation in the form of a made-up Peace Prize, it’s clear that I have you, along with most of the world’s foremost institutions in my back pocket. I’d also like to thank all the fine people in attendance here today for your warm welcome. In keeping with my lifelong efforts at bending reality to my will by filtering it through this wormy, swiftly-declining eighty-year-old brain of mine, your audible jeering registers for me as the highest form of praise.
I’d be remiss if I didn’t take the time to acknowledge and thank my mentor, the late, great Roy Cohn as well. If I learned one thing from him, it’s that you can never concede defeat, even in the face of overwhelming evidence that confirms it. Life is a state of mind, and if his life taught me anything, it’s that an outright denial of reality is all one needs to achieve and maintain ultimate success. I can’t wait to follow in his footsteps when I too inevitably die bankrupt and exiled, suffering unspeakable agony alone in a hospital bed. That is, if a rage-induced heart attack on a gold toilet in the middle of a Truth Social post doesn’t get me first.
I’ve said numerous times that I’m sick of winning, and who can blame me? I’ve won everything I ever competed for! I won the presidency on my first try, and am the only person in history to get re-elected not once, but twice, despite what the Fake News Media wants you to believe about the stolen election of 2020. I even managed to get impeached twice along the way, and am facing the near-certainty of a third impeachment if Democrats retake the House in November!
Thanks once again for this beautiful trophy. I’ll put it right alongside the FIFA Peace Prize, and every other manufactured token of appreciation thrown at me in a desperate attempt to soothe my temper and keep me from indiscriminately carpet bombing as my mood dictates. Cue “Y.M.CA.!” It’s time for another cringe-inducing dance of celebration!