“‘Today We Celebrate Ten Years of Freedom from the Freedoms of the Previous Two Hundred and Forty Years!’ – An Independence Day Address from President Donald Trump”
My fellow Americans, this is it! The big one! But enough about Arnold Palmer’s penis! I’m referring to the biggest birthday America has ever seen. The semiquincentennial! The sestercentennial! Fuck it, I’m just going to call America’s 250th birthday the Trumpcentennial! I’ve made my name by literally emblazoning it on everything I produce, so why stop now? This country is rapidly going the way of all those failed endeavors, so let’s remove any ambiguity.
Let’s also celebrate the freedoms that I alone have had the power to bestow on you, the American people, since winning the Electoral College in a landslide in 2016. Even with my absence from the White House in the aftermath of the stolen election of 2020, my orange, McDonald’s-scented stain on the fabric of this great nation has endured. Strap in, motherfuckers. Here we go.
Freedom from Freedom of Speech: I’ve made CBS my bitch by whining about how Kamala Harris was presented in an interview on 60 Minutes. How dare they edit her long, rambling answer to a question in a way that makes my own long, rambling answer to a question seem unflattering by comparison! Litigation, combined with a threat to block a pending corporate merger didn’t hurt either. Between this, the out of court settlement from ABC, and the defunding of the Corporation for Public Broadcasting, I’ve wiped my ass with the First Amendment and flushed it down the toilet like any number of the incriminating documents I did this with in the bathrooms of the White House!
Freedom from Reproductive Freedom: The overturning of Roe v. Wade happened during the reign of Sleepy Joe, but I’ll take credit for it, anyway. It was, of course, enabled by the three Supreme Court Justices I appointed, one of whom had a well- documented record of sexual misconduct that was publicly dissected for all the world to see. Still, even I have to admit that Moscow Mitch McConnell played a key role in this by holding a vacancy on the Court for over a year, then reversing course when another one became available. Tuck your head into your shell and take a nap, you mutant human-turtle hybrid. That’ll do.
Freedom from National Pride: According to a recent Gallup survey, almost half of you said you feel little to no pride in being Americans! Lemons out of lemonade here, it plays beautifully with my mass deportation agenda. I.C.E. officers have already harassed, arrested, and in a few cases, outright killed native-born U.S. citizens who had the temerity to rightly stand their ground in non-violent fashion against my little gestapo. Love it or leave it, ingrates! If you don’t voluntarily self-deport, we’ll aid the process along by mass detention, or summary execution as you sit in your motor vehicles.
I could go on. In fact, I think I will. I did recently declare my intention to give a “really long speech” today, even if it is in sweltering, one-hundred-and-seven-degree temperatures. There’s no shortage of atrocities to recollect, and Washington D.C. has already moved the start of its fireworks display to 10:30 pm due to my public therapy session. When I’m done terrorizing you verbally, the explosions in the sky will traumatize your dogs until at least midnight!
Enjoy whatever freedoms you have left while you still can. By this time next year, I’ll probably have eviscerated most of them. That is, if I haven’t died on a gold toilet from a rage-induced heart attack in the middle of a Truth Social post. Huh. Would that be a celebration of a new freedom I bestowed on you? Like none our country has ever seen?
Happy Fourth of July!