“An Open Letter to the Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool Vandal”
Dear Lincoln Memorial Reflecting Pool Vandal,
You just had to do it, didn’t you? You had to strike while the iron was hot. Or, more specifically, jump into the water while it was blue and pristine and carve a near three-hundred-foot gash into the newly repainted floor of the Washington Memorial Reflecting Pool with a matte knife. How did that seem like a good idea to you? Add to that the fact that you’re a complete and utter fabrication and it’s easy to see how woefully misguided your nonexistent actions are.
I get it. There are plenty of people who are unhappy with the fascist-adjacent policies of this administration. I also get that this entire premise is yet another batshit lie that President Trump concocted in order to save face, thus making himself look like even more of a schmuck in the process. But still, optics! You’re making all the members of this so-called “resistance” of ours look bad by association. Even if the success of your endeavor and evasion of capture, despite heavy surveillance, numerous presumed eyewitnesses, and the presence of Capitol Police, suggest supernatural abilities of some kind for us.
You are well within your rights to engage in nonviolent acts of civil disobedience. But what’s nonviolent about desecrating a national monument? One that, in the eyes of many, is a symbol of the freedoms people like George Washington and Abraham Lincoln gave their all to nourish and protect? You owe your right to protest to them, as well as countless others who gave their lives to make our nation what it is today. You’re a figment of an aspiring autocrat’s warped and increasingly senile imagination. The reasons why this mission of yours is self-defeating are self-evident!
Part of me loves the idea that your activities are an unsubstantiated fiction made to disguise the fact that dark, heat-absorbing paint, shallow water, and summer temperatures in Washington D.C. are pretty much the perfect storm for algae production. Still, it’s no excuse for defacement. Investigations and grave consequences are sure to come from this. Do you want President Trump to find out about our connections to the Deep State? Or our funding from George Soros? You’ve already enabled the arrests of innocent bystanders who had nothing at all to do with your heinous deeds. We can’t attribute that to the knee jerk reactions of a would-be dictator who is proud to have been compared with Adolf Hitler, Josef Stalin, and Mao Zedong!
I suppose next you’ll support legislative measures that would ferret out the millions of undocumented immigrants who are undermining election integrity by voting illegally. Even if Donald Trump was re-elected just over a year a half ago, becoming the first Republican candidate in twenty-two years to win the popular vote, you know full well that election fraud is very much a thing! I hope you’re ready to accept responsibility for derailing our own fascist agenda.
You miscreant, you. How dare you defile something that had already, in essence, been defiled by undergoing a makeover it didn’t need, spending tens of millions of taxpayer dollars in the process. The cost of undoing your damage will cost tens of millions of dollars more. This doesn’t even factor in the cost of repairing further damages that are sure to result from the lack of any upkeep on the Pool’s filtration system; a source of much of its prior algae blooms that has been problematic for years! I hope you are satisfied, monster. May a God that also doesn’t exist have mercy on your soul.
Kind Regards,
Corey Pajka