“A Presidential Bedtime Story from White House Executive Assistant, Natalie Harp”
“A 33-year-old former far-right cable host, [Natalie] Harp is nearly always at [President Donald] Trump’s side. She has written him a series of devotional letters, including one that said, ‘You are all that matters to me.’” – Haberman, Maggie and Swan, Jonathan, November 25th, 2024, “Devoted Aide Who Keeps Good News Flowing Will Follow Trump to the White House,” – The New York Times
Once upon a time, there was a great man. He hailed from New York City, but fled that unpatriotic liberal hotbed for the solace and tax breaks of south Florida. He was a powerful man. A wise man. One who sought to leave his beautiful, orange-colored, McDonald’s-scented stain upon history by any means possible. He sought to remake the world in his own image, and let nothing stand in his way; be it basic decency, the rule of law, or any adherence to taste!
The man was a great leader. He was elected to his nation’s highest office not once, not twice, but thrice! He rightly felt that made him greater than any man who had attempted to attain that office before him. He rightly believed that it qualified him as not smart, but genius! And a very stable genius at that. The Big Lie, er-stolen election of 2020 exiled him from his kingdom for four years, despite winning the popular vote in a landslide. But the man was resilient. He was crafty. He was determined to retake his throne like the divinely-ordained ruler he was. Did we mention he’s also a very stable genius? Long live the king!
Even so, his people, who re-elected him in 2024 in yet another landslide of the popular vote that was only called “historically slim” by the Fake News Media, voiced objections to the way the king ruled the land. Where they once crowded his rallies clad in red baseball caps and American flag-themed attire, here they claimed the king’s vanity projects and foreign military conflicts of choice were hurting their bottom line.
“You said you would fix affordability!” they shouted. “You said you would keep us out of ‘forever wars’ in the Middle East, but you just started one on a whim! You think you won on affordability? You don’t care about the midterm elections? Why are you even the president right now? Aside from your personal enrichment, your petty vengeance, and an ongoing effort to keep yourself out of prison in the finite, ever-dwindling remainder of your time on this Earth? What in the actual fuck?!”
The king knew at once what to do. Unable to shoot peaceful protestors in the legs, as he once suggested, he took to Truth Social, his most sacred outlet. He shared an A.I.-generated video of himself in a fighter jet dropping raw sewage on his own citizens to the tune of Kenny Loggins’ “Danger Zone!” And lo, the people did celebrate! Nothing says “leader of men,” or “I am your voice” like the country’s highest democratically-elected official taking out his frustrations on his constituents by employing childish, literally cartoonish tactics to do so.
The king was content. The media had bent the knee to him in the form of out of court settlements, and the installation of partisan loyalists in the upper echelon of their corporate offices. And he was rich! His family’s coffers had inflated by over two billion dollars in the span of just over a year, thanks to fully transparent, though patently illegal (or at least unethical) business dealings with the cryptocurrency industry. He stopped just short of wiping his ass with the Emoluments Clauses of the U.S. Constitution. So much winning! He was a highly respected, powerful man. One who openly courted approval at every opportunity to compensate for his insecurities, and gladly welcomed comparisons to Adolf Hitler and Josef Stalin.
Now go to sleep, Mr. President. Tomorrow is another day, and every eighty-year-old manchild needs their rest if they want to continue their ongoing smash and grab operation before Democrats retake the House, and a near-certain third impeachment follows. Sweet dreams, and remember: You’re all that matters to me.