“‘I Shall Be the Voice of the Voiceless Wealthy Elite!’ – A GOP Primary Winner”
Friends, we did it! We (or, more specifically, I) have won the Republican primary election of whatever region or state this is I’m running to represent in some capacity. Which area? Which office? It doesn’t matter. Not as long as my installation in the upper echelons of government is assured, and the interests of the wealthy and powerful are protected. I am your champion. I am your voice. By proxy, I am also essentially you; working from within to further cement your status as the de facto owners of this great nation. Despite the growing prominence of billionaires in our culture, it’s important to know that there are far more multi-millionaires beneath them who are working just as hard, if not harder, than those insatiable monetary gluttons at the very top.
In this day and age, when newly minted billionaires are being tracked in real-time by Forbes magazine, the demand for astronomical increases in net worth is greater than it’s ever been. We all know of Elon Musk, Mark Zuckerberg, and Jeff Bezos, but how many of you are familiar with the CEOs of countless smaller, but still large, corporations? With my ascent to power all but guaranteed in this solidly red enclave, you will know their names when they too join the ranks of the really, really wealthy elite. Soon. Very soon, indeed. Prepare for a feast of scraps from their ever-growing table, peons!
Speaking of whom, I have to thank the voters. Your decision to hold your nose and vote in my favor because you agreed with me on issues A, B, and C, but not on issues D through Z, is seen and appreciated. All I needed to do was espouse Judeo-Christian values, demonize transgender people, and portray the neo-liberal ghouls on the other side of the political spectrum as Deep State saboteurs. Some good old-fashioned suppression didn’t hurt either. Don’t worry, Black and brown people, we see you too. Fortunately, it’s nowhere near a voting booth!
The Republican Party has always been known as champions of traditional values. Specifically, the idea that the landed, moneyed gentry should be governing things behind the scenes while their hand-chosen representatives operate as ostensible stalwarts of the common man. Mission accomplished, boys! Have I mentioned that the people who comprise this gentry are almost exclusively male too? #patriarchywin! The only scam we came up with that was better than democracy was plutocracy, later surpassed by oligarchy!
Before long, the beautiful vision once only dreamt of in The Sovereign Individualwill become reality. Thanks for the reading rec, Peter Thiel! That book now occupies a hallowed space on my shelves right alongside The Wealth of Nations and The Fountainhead. Corporatocracy is upon us! This battle is won, but the war continues. We cannot rest on our laurels. Not as long as die-hard progressives are out there who actually see the (obscenely rich) man behind the curtain, and are doing everything they can to move against it.
The enemy has been sighted, and we shall meet them with brute force. If scare tactics reminiscent of HUAC don’t work, we can always put in a call to the White House and have I.C.E., the National Guard, or perhaps both dispatched at any given time. A new day is dawning in America. One that is essentially the same as every previous day, but now with no pretense as to who is calling the shots, and instructing our de facto gestapo who to literally shoot in the process. Onward, and even-further upward! Thank you again, and God Bless America as it burns around us literally and figuratively.