“‘I’m Still Here, Motherfuckers!’ – A Eulogy for Dolly Parton from President Donald Trump”

My fellow Americans, today we mourn the death and celebrate the life of a remarkable individual. More specifically, we mourn the death of one fine American, and painfully acknowledge the ongoing existence of an even greater one! One like none we’ve ever seen before. BY A LOT! Today, despite our differences (which I have been happy to perpetuate and exploit, BTW), we are united in our grief over the loss of music legend and cultural icon, Dolly Parton. Simultaneously, we celebrate the fact that my life continues! Suck on that!

Few people in American culture touched our lives the way the late, great Dolly Parton did. I’ve known lots of famous people in my time. Probably more than any other president. In my cognitively declining mind, Dolly Parton is right up there with other American legends such as Roy Cohn, Senator Lindsey Graham, and the late, great Hannibal Lecter. And, of course, me! Dolly was notable, I’ll admit, but come on! Who else throws their ever-increasing weight around more than I do? Come to think of it, the differences between Ms. Parton and myself are legion.

While Dolly Parton built her legacy on six decades of memorable music, winning turns as an actor, and unwavering kindness, my own is steeped largely in narcissism. Not to mention an unceasing lust for power and wealth, surpassed only by my insatiable desire for vengeance and petty retribution. Aren’t you glad the grim specter of death passed me by this time? I know I am! I’m still here to frustrate and torment an ever-growing majority of the population; many of whom I make no effort at all to conceal my resentment of and disdain for. A lot of you even voted for me as many as three times! I’m looking forward to dancing on all your graves. At least while I’m still physically capable of doing so.        

Dolly Parton was a mere five months older than I am. Even those of you who didn’t know that probably perked up from a peripheral glance at the headlines. “Dolly” isn’t too far off from “Donny,” after all. That may not be a name I answer to, but those of you suffering from Trump Derangement Syndrome are keen to employ it in your many social media posts and unhinged verbal tirades. Keep screaming! That void isn’t getting any smaller; not as long as I’m still walking the Earth! Or is that stumbling around it aimlessly in a path that comes nowhere a straight line? I’m having an increasingly difficult time remembering.

Well, rest in peace, Ms. Parton. It’s been a pleasure and a privilege to eulogize you, while championing myself. As per usual. Let’s remember to cherish every moment. The clock is ticking for all of us, and losses tend to come in threes. In fact, I’ve just learned that Tim Curry, another prominent eighty-year-old, has also passed away! Even if I don’t shuffle off the mortal coil anytime soon, there’s always a chance that Mitch McConnell, Elon Musk, Stephen Miller, or any of the other morally bankrupt, obscenely wealthy white men running roughshod on the foundations of our democracy will kick the bucket. This is America, after all. Anything is possible!

Thank you for your attention to this matter! President DONALD J. TRUMP.