“‘Lame Duck Republicans Will Fight to the Death for My Amusement!’ – A New Executive Order from President Donald Trump”
“[Representative Thomas Massey’s] defeat…highlighted Trump’s continued influence over the Republican Party and the political risks faced by Republicans who break with him.” – Melimopoulous, Elizabeth and The Associated Press, May 20th, 2026, “Trump critic Massie defeated: Takeaways from U.S. primary election results,”Al-Jazeera
As you’ve certainly heard, a number of prominent Republican representatives have recently lost their bids at re-election. More specifically, they lost their primaries before they even got to the general election! How pathetic is that? My endorsements of their opponents all but ensured their losses. Clearly my stranglehold on the Republican Party is fully intact, but I’m not stopping there. As part of my ongoing revenge tour, I hereby command these RINO losers to fight to the death at the UFC Freedom 250 event on the White House South Lawn on June 14th!
In lieu of proper MMA-style faceoffs, we will instead confine them to the octagonal cage, throw in a few crude, improvised weapons, and refuse to let either of them out until one has killed the other. No refs, no rules, no mercy! This is what happens when you show disloyalty to Trump! Think of it like that nearly unwatchable scene that takes place about an hour into Django Unchained. You know, where two slaves essentially do the same thing as Leonardo DiCaprio and his fellow antebellum oligarchs cheer it on?
That’s exactly where I took my inspiration for this. Much like my misreading of Citizen Kane, I look at that scene, and the film in general as aspirational! Given the fact that I’ve openly said it would be “cool” to have the power to single-handedly overturn an election, and expressed admiration for the leadership tactics of Adolf Hitler, should any of this be a surprise?
What’s that? You don’t think that addresses the actual questions this whole thing raises? Of course you’d say that. You’re a very nasty person. You should be ashamed of yourself! But what else should I expect from the fake news media at this juncture? What should any of you expect from me at this juncture? What has my entire life been if not a desperate, unending seizure of power, prestige, and attention? Whether it be fame, admiration, or even being liked, it seems there’s no end to just how audacious and barbaric my conduct can be.
There’s nothing new about any of this, but it’s been amplified by about a hundred thanks to the my ascendence to the presidency not once, not twice, but thrice! By a landslide! Need I remind any of you about the stolen election of 2020? I shouldn’t have to. I’ve repeatedly said the election was stolen without citing an iota of evidence for well over five years. Don’t expect me to stop now.
All of which is to say, there is no bottom. In the immortal words of the late, great Cady Heron, “the limit does not exist.” I can’t wait to see my dethroned political opponents garrote and eviscerate one another while my staunchest, most cowardly allies look on in abject horror. It’ll be a cautionary display for them, make no mistake! I hope you all enjoy it as much as I will.
Come one, come all! Bring the wife! Bring the kids! Bring whatever shred of hope you had left for the future of western democracy and watch it drown in a pool of blood as a human cockfight commences before your very eyes! We’re giving out free “Trump Was Right About Everything” swag at the event, right alongside commemorative coins and State Department-issued passports with my face plastered all over them!
God bless America, and God help all of you! I’m looking at you, Thomas Massey!