Let’s Celebrate the Achievements of Martin Luther King Jr., Even as I Work to Fundamentally Destroy Them – A Statement from Your Company CEO
To All Personnel:
As we enjoy a well-earned break this holiday weekend, let’s take the time to commemorate the achievements of Martin Luther King Jr., our nation’s most celebrated civil rights leader. This holiday doesn’t just represent a day off, it’s a tribute to a man and a movement that exemplifies the best of us, and the heroic struggle to maintain and expand our cherished freedoms. Please focus on that as I channel much of my time, energy, and fortune toward electing public officials doing everything in their power to undermine and destroy those very advances.
Prior to the Civil Rights Movement, Jim Crow Laws and institutional bias barred many Black Americans from exercising their Constitutional rights to vote, hold public office, and even own private property. It was not until the mid-1950s that Dr. King became the public face of the effort to overturn these racially oriented barriers against seemingly insurmountable odds. I remind myself of this as I target which of his victories I’d like to kneecap through multi-million-dollar donations to Republican PACs and far-right ideologue politicians pushing voting legislation targeted against persons of color, particularly Black people, and their presumed Democratic leanings. I channel that “souls to the polls” spirit in every election cycle when I see droves of Black Americans turned away from their voting places due to a lack of photo ID they weren’t aware they needed to cast a ballot. It’s the product of people power, specifically that of a few hundred individuals in possession of over ninety percent of the nation’s wealth. It’s the very mobilization the Civil Rights Movement and Dr. King inspired, at least from the wealthy, white, patriarchal elite.
If the life of Dr. King taught us anything, it’s that individual actions matter. I’ve taken this to heart, overseeing diversity and inclusion initiatives at every level of our firm. Well, not so much every level as the mailroom, the IT department, and other positions that essentially translate to glorified servitude. But hey, there’s a decent salary and marginal benefits attached to them! In my defense, we have recruited numerous financial professionals from Historically Black Colleges and Universities such as Howard, Tuskegee, and Winston-Salem State. Those ambitious folks are sure to move up the ladder in a couple of decades, provided they don’t leave due to the nonexistent pace of advancement and the refusal of our higher-ranking executives to retire or die outright but keep faith. There’s always the possibility of their imprisonment due to white collar crime or forced resignation via a good old fashioned sexual misconduct scandal. You aren’t just human PR props, you’re also the future of our industry and the world itself; at least until 2050 or so when the climate crisis (which I’ve helped to accelerate through fossil fuel investments) makes life on this planet untenable.
Progress takes time, hard work, and dedication. Remember that each time your annual bonus numbs you to the disproportionate pay raises this company’s board members receive as inflation and the cost of living continues to surge. Pay particular attention to this if you’re Black and have no choice but to keep your job due to its health insurance and the likelihood of developing type 2 diabetes by age fifty through little to no fault of your own. According to some medical professionals, you don’t even feel pain at the same level as white people (yes, really, Google it), so I’m sure you can take a little more systemic oppression. My upcoming speaking engagement at CPAC alongside Associate Justice Clarence Thomas and his lovely wife Ginni will affirm this regressive, thinly veiled bigotry and ignorance of mine, and I owe it all to you.
Happy Martin Luther King Day! Enjoy those adorable civil rights of yours while they last!
Most Sincerely,
Your CEO