“I Hereby Disavow Any Association With Dean Cain” – A Statement from Superman
Thank you all for joining me. Thanks also to Perry White, Lois Lane, and everyone at The Daily Planet for handling the logistics of this hastily assembled press conference. My pal Jimmy Olsen will be running point on photos, and please pay no attention to the absence of reporter Clark Kent, who never seems to be in the same place as me at any given time. Nothing to see there. As I’m sure you’ve heard, a prominent individual in the entertainment industry who once bore my likeness has repeatedly declared alignment with values that contrast sharply with my own. Despite my durability, this has become a pain in my ass, and I cannot remain silent anymore. It is with no small amount of difficulty that, here and now, I disavow any support for actor Dean Cain and his MAGA allegiances.
Mr. Cain recently declared his intention to join the Immigration and Customs Enforcement agency in the midst of its forceful recruitment push. This runs counter to one of the foundational aspects of my character, literally and figuratively. When my creators Jerry Siegel and Joe Schuster set about crafting my origins, they drew upon the spiritual beliefs and Biblical lore that shaped their own identities. The parallels between a Hebrew child cast away in a basket down a river and me being launched in a rocket ship from an exploding planet should be fairly obvious. I’m an immigrant, Dean. It’s been that way since 1938, and no amount of bellyaching on Fox News is going to rewrite history. I also cannot countenance the sheer stupidity of a multi-racial man with Japanese ancestry signing up for ICE. He does know what this country did to Japanese people during the Second World War, right? He went to Princeton, for crying out loud!
Mr. Cain has been outspoken about his far-right political views for the better part of the past decade. While I respect and support diversity of opinions, I am of the belief that there is a difference between conservatism and outright bigotry. I also believe there is a difference between support for the rule of law, and an endorsement of the tactics one would find in a totalitarian state. I fight for truth, justice, and the American way! I’ve said this more times than even I, with my superhuman cognitive abilities, can count. Isn’t that essentially what you, Mr. Cain, embodied week after week from 1993 to 1997 while donning my attire? I have a brand, and what you’re doing is inconsistent with it.
If Mr. Cain thinks no one wants to see a “woke” Superman, the warm critical and commercial reception the current cinematic telling of my adventures has enjoyed refutes that idea. Mr. Cain has also gone so far as to express disgust when my son, who filled in for me so admirably during my extended absence on Warworld, came to the realization that he was bisexual. Mr. Cain said there was nothing “bold or brave” about “this crazy new direction” in my son’s private life. It’s the twenty-first century, Mr. Cain. I am literally called “the Man of Tomorrow!” That’s a description that applies to my son too. Pull your head out of your ass!
Simply put, fuck Dean Cain in the neck. Now, if you’ll excuse me, this imminent invasion by the forces of Brainiac isn’t going to thwart itself. I’m looking forward to saving the Earth yet again, and ensuring its existence for everyone; Black, white, immigrant, Jewish, gay, trans, and yes…even MAGA! It’s called compassion, and it isn’t just a job for Superman! Anyway, up, up, and away, and up yours, Dean Cain!