“I’m an Infectious, Formerly Non-Existent Disease, and I’ve Never Been Prouder to be an American!”
Friends, Americans, country persons, lend me your ears! And your eyes. And your breathing passages. And any other anatomical pathway you have to infiltrate and compromise your immune systems! But seriously, folks, do I even have to ask? Thanks to the skepticism toward vaccination that’s been smoldering in the United States and much of the Western World for the past three decades, infectious diseases like me have a presence and a degree of agency once thought impossible! Only in America, the land of opportunity! And the place that champions the dismantling of the very foundations of medical and scientific advancement it has historically led the way in. It’s boom time for us airborne pathogens, and we have you, the good ol’ U.S. of A, to thank for it!
This entire fiasco began in the late nineties when British physician Andrew Wakefield published a paper falsely linking vaccines to an uptick in diagnoses of autism. Sure, he based his conclusions on manipulated data. He also ignored the fact that the increase in autism rates among children is directly attributable to improved methods of detection, and expansion of the criteria for what constitutes that condition. We haven’t even touched on the conflicts of interest Wakefield possessed, credibly linking him to amassing a personal fortune by pushing his bogus conclusions. But try explaining that to the legions of parents who understandably flew into a panic upon hearing about this. Despite numerous subsequent studies debunking Wakefield’s claims, and the revocation of his medical license, the genie is most decidedly out of the bottle! While we implore God to bless the U.S.A., let’s remember to hail Britannia while we’re at it.
It’s been said that when America sneezes, the rest of the world catches a cold. Who knew it could be so literal? Whooping cough outbreaks have been responsible for widespread school closures in Pennsylvania. Measles, a disease that was essentially eliminated in 2000, has experienced a dramatic surge in Texas. Even polio might be poised to make a comeback thanks to a few outlier cases in upstate New York! Thank you, America, and the fine people who frequent the dark corners of the Internet, seeking out junk science that contradicts medical practices that have saved countless lives, and increased quality of life to levels that would have been impossible in pre-Industrial society. How’s that for a triumph of traditional values?
You would think if the COVID-19 pandemic taught you anything, it’s that vaccines work, and access to affordable healthcare isn’t just a human right, it’s a fundamental necessity! How ironic that so many American politicians and the people who support them identify as pro-life, yet scorn the idea of universal healthcare, and have expressed outright antipathy to a simple, inexpensive practice that will do far more to help them than regulatory rollbacks ever could. If you think our growing prominence is a grim omen of things to come, just wait until you feel the literal heat of elimination of EPA measures addressing the climate crisis!
It's great to be back, and welcomed into a community of alarmists and charlatans who could care less about the devastation they’re unleashing, as long as they can revel in the celebrity and remuneration their reprehensible actions are enabling. Just tune out and keep doom scrolling, America. Convince yourself that the 2020 Presidential Election was stolen, January 6th was an act of patriotism, and that Robert F. Kennedy Jr. has some interesting ideas. He is, after all, a man who hosted a political fundraiser that devolved into an onstage shouting match, punctuated by audible outbursts of flatulence. How can he not be somewhat compelling, at least? Thanks for listening, and we’ll see you sooner than you think!