“Prominent World Leaders Who Are More Excited About Taylor Swift Weigh in on the Russia-Ukraine Conflict”
British Prime Minister Keir Starmer: These are trying times, but I am confident we can come to a mutually satisfactory next chapter in our shared history. Speaking of history, how about this forthcoming new release from Taylor Swift? My United Kingdom for a time machine to see how she would have incorporated The Life of a Showgirl into the Eras Tour. Hell, maybe she’ll figure out time travel! It’d be the ultimate T-Swift Easter Egg!
Russian President Vladimir Putin: NATO membership for Ukraine is a non-starter! It must be taken off the table if these talks are to gain any traction. Like the legions of Swifties who proactively took to social media to defend their savior against even the slightest negative review of The Tortured Poets Department, we will tolerate no dissent!
German Chancellor Friedrich Merz: Ukraine’s prospective NATO membership cannot be dismissed. It is an essential guardrail against future acts of aggression. An attack on one NATO-affiliated nation constitutes an attack on all of them. “Look What You Made Me Do,” right? Slay!
French President Emmanuel Macron: Key among these discussions is agreement on the facts. Despite claims to the contrary, it was Russia that invaded Ukraine, and not vice versa. This is not a battle against fascism, it is an act of attempted colonialization! Much like Ms. Swift’s bold retaliatory actions in the dispute over ownership of her masters (re-recording all her albums? Yas, queen!), we must stand firm against any attempts to re-write the past.
Canadian Prime Minister Mark Carney: Isolationism is growing in foreign affairs. I’d like to remind our closest geographic neighbors, particularly the United States, that an occurrence halfway around the world has repercussions everywhere. Just look at how the Eras Tour affected the global economy. T-Swift actually inflated the Gross Domestic Product of Brazil! It’s no wonder they projected a welcome message for her onto the statue of Christ the Redeemer.
Chinese President Xi Jinping: There are nations on the other side of this conflict that stand to be affected by its outcome, China being one of them. We hope to avoid any unpleasant surprises in negotiations of the kind that contrast sharply with Ms. Swift’s revelation of her forthcoming new record. Blurring out the cover art until that day after the initial release announcement? Genius! Surpassed only by the announcement of her engagement. Even our heavily censored version of the Internet was broken by that!
Mexican President Claudia Sheinbaum Pardo: “A big, beautiful ocean,” to borrow a phrase from U.S. President Trump, is not a deterrent against aggression from Russia, or any of its rogue state allies. It would behoove all of us in North America to create a “squad” on par with the one Taylor has assembled, lifting up all boats in her glorious, ever-rising tide. But we can discuss the climate crisis at a future summit.
North Korean Supreme Leader Kim Jong-Un: Despite our “Reputation” as a rogue state, North Korea will not allow its trade and military partnerships with Russia to be disrupted! We have also not forgotten the slight of not being visited by Ms. Swift during the overseas leg of the Eras Tour. I suppose, however, that much like my father before me, I can just abduct some of my citizens off the street to re-enact it.
Ukrainian President Vlodymyr Zelenskyy: Uh, listen: Would it be worth trying to have Taylor Swift come in to broker peace? It seems like she’s the one person we can all trust to judge this thing fairly and compassionately. Remember how much importance was assigned to her endorsement during the U.S. Presidential Election? What do you say?
U.S. President Donald Trump: I HATE TAYLOR SWIFT!