“Does My Renters’ Insurance Cover Unlawful FBI Raids?”

Hi, Diane! I’m fine, thanks. How are you? Glad to hear it! I’m calling with a question about my renters’ insurance policy.  Can you please tell me how coverage would work for losses and damages related to FBI raids? I’m specifically referring to search and seizure operations that are patently illegal, and done for the sake of intimidation and suppression at the behest of an emerging autocracy.

This is a unique situation. For now, anyway. Please bear with me.

There are about two dozen agents in my apartment right now. They broke down my door without a warrant, or an iota of explanation. When I raised a question about this as politely as I could, they pistol whipped me and shoved me into the narrow confines of my hallway closet. Now they’re indiscriminately destroying everything I own, including irreplaceable family heirlooms, valuable electronics, and pictures of me with friends and relatives who work as civil rights lawyers and grassroots political activists.

They’ve even talked about burning my books! Specifically, the ones by George Orwell, Primo Levi, and titles that regularly appear on the American Library Association’s list of frequently challenged and banned works. I’m not the kind of person who’s married to mere items, but it’s the principle of the thing, you know? Not to mention the grim evidence of totalitarianism on display before my very eyes. Do you have any info you can share?

Uh-oh! It looks like we have to wrap this up. They’ve opened the doors and they’re approaching me with a burlap hood. Time to perp walk me into an unmarked van in full view of the public. Theatre of compliance, you know how it is. Thanks for your help, Diane. It’s very much appreciated.

I’m so sorry to ask for another favor, but since I’ll probably be denied the right to a phone call, if you could get in touch with a lawyer I know, it would be a huge help! Again, I’m sorry to put you on the spot, but I’m not sure I have a choice, given that you’re my only hope. If the office has been firebombed, please contact the ACLU instead, if it still exists. I’ve got the numbers memorized for this very—

Oh. You can’t do that? Yeah, that’s understandable. Can’t be seen as aiding and abetting an alleged domestic terrorist. Even a falsely charged one. We all have bills to pay, and families to support. We can’t put them at risk of being abducted, tortured, and summarily executed.

Wait. Diane? Did you call in this raid yourself using my address, and the details you have on my possessions and the socio-political affiliations they suggest? I thought so! In addition to being a stellar customer service rep, you’re an outstanding informant for this makeshift gestapo! I’d leave you a glowing review if I weren’t unlikely to see another sunrise.

It probably goes without saying, but I won’t be in a position to call back if I have any follow up questions. Please pray to a God I am now certain doesn’t exist that they don’t come for you next, even if it would be karmic retribution. Have a good day, and thanks again!