“[Trump-themed merchandise] stores first emerged during the 2016 campaign…At least four stores have closed this year. The MAGA Mall, a big online retailer and wholesaler, reports sales of MAGA gear are down 30%...” – Langfitt, Frank. October 22nd, 2026. “Trump merchandise stores are closing: 'He has peaked'” NPR
Fellow Americans and MAGA faithful, we are at the end times. Also, our store is closing! Take advantage of these deals while they, and democracy, last.
Caps – The ones that started it all. Essential gear for the Trump enthusiast, and a symbol of the shame of supporting him when you are laid to rest by your estranged loved ones. They’ll probably bury you in it.
Children’s Caps – Indoctrinate the young‘uns before they start school, and while they’re still learning how to differentiate between right and wrong.
Faith Caps – Display your performative religious faith. Just like DJT.
T-Shirts – Dozens of options to choose from, including “God, Guns, and Trump,” “Trump 2028,” and “Vigilante President!” He has no respect for due process. Or the law!
Not My Dictator T-Shirts – Own the libs, and stick it to Hitler-esque autocrats! We only acknowledge one of those, thank you very much!
Buck Fiden Caps – Don’t forget who’s really responsible for your misfortunes! And those of our sitting president! The latter of whom started a war with Iran and closed the Strait of Hormuz, forcing you to hitchhike to the rally in Kansas due to exorbitant fuel prices.
Evening Bags and Jewelry – You’ll be fending off the advances of lecherous, amoral conservative men with these beauties. More than usual!
MAGA 47 Lipstick – A Mar-a-Lago Face starter kit. Our president likes his ladies heavily made-up, and unrecognizable from numerous, unnecessary plastic surgeries. He also likes them blonde, white, and underage. Give them to your daughter for sweet sixteen!
Sequin Jackets – Stand out in that ever-diminishing crowd at the next rally! Perfect for dancing to “YMCA,” even if that is the “gay national anthem.”
Trump Socks – Be a proud patriot who has visible tufts of yellow hair emerging from their ankles.
Flag and Banners – Increase the value of your home by getting the neighbors to move.
Koozies – Perfect for your non-existent Ultra Right Beer.
Face Masks – Kung Flu was a Democrat hoax, but your lack of vaccinations might necessitate this.
Greeting Cards – Great for birthdays, the holidays, and your correspondence with the outside world while serving house arrest for your assault on peaceful protestors. The president’s check for your legal fees is in the mail, along with that $5,000.00 USD bonus!
Coffee Mugs – The best part of waking up is semi-coherent rambling on your cup.
Talking Pens – Sign the divorce papers served by your long-suffering wife while listening to a two-hour rally speech.
Pins and Buttons – Keep the empty slogans close to your heart. Literally!
Stickers – You’ll be safer on the road since these bumper stickers will keep everyone at least three car lengths away from you at all times.
Credit Card Covers – Nothing says “financial security” like an image of Trump covered in his own blood after the first assassination attempt.
Solar Eclipse Glasses – Avoid having to do this.
Trumpy Bear – Snuggle with a dangerous predator.
Trump Honey – Make your microplastic intake great again!
Books – We are actually giving these away. Free! Even at the height of MAGA, no one wanted to read anything that couldn’t fit on one small, solitary space. Can’t imagine why.
Red cap-wearing militias will likely be running things by the time you read this. Show your loyalty by donning our apparel, and maybe save your life in the process! Please take ALL this off our hands so we don’t have to be buried in the desert with it; right alongside unsold copies of the E.T. video game, and the corpses of people on the Epstein list.
God bless America. God bless you. And may He have mercy on our souls.