Thank you for organizing this debate. It’s been a pleasure to address your softball, boilerplate questions with feckless, regurgitated deflections that contradict statements I made mere days ago. I’ll make a closing statement now, and deliver my final message to voters ahead of next week’s pivotal elections. As I do this, I’d like to remind everyone to overlook the uniformed, goose-stepping Nazi supporters marching around me at all times. Even now, onstage, right at this very moment.
We are facing the most crucial election of our lifetimes. I know that may sound repetitive to the point of cliché, but let’s look at the facts. We’re facing an enemy from within; one that grows more powerful by the day as hate mongers and domestic terrorists masquerade as champions of the people. I am referring, of course, to my opponent, and their radical socialist agenda. Again, just ignore the S.S. goons standing ten feet behind me who were Proud Boys during Trump’s first term, and now, by sheer coincidence, work as I.C.E. agents.
The woke left is always quick to hurl insults. They call me, and my Republican colleagues “fascist enablers” who run on campaigns of hate and misinformation, couched in thinly veiled threats of violence. They’re more than happy to refer to us as “Nazis,” but where’s the evidence? Aside from that photograph of me at the Unite the Right Rally in Charlottesville, Virginia in 2017 alongside James Alex Fields, Jr.; the man who went on to run his car through a crowd of peaceful counter-protestors, killing one of them in the process? That, and the dipshits behind me onstage now chanting “blood and soil,” and “Jews will not replace us” in German?
Is that a problem? Maybe. But what’s the solution, “Dumbocrats?” What are you proposing we do aside from strengthening voting protections, holding wrong-doers accountable, and pumping money into public education and federally-funded programs that teach the American people about the dangers of hate? How do we even get started? Aside from taking it to the polls and keeping me and others of my ilk out of our halls of government?
Again, I know a bunch of Nazis are plainly visible right behind me. I’m “fascist adjacent” in the most literal sense. But like I said, just pretend they aren’t there. Just like you should all pretend that our own “Dear Leader” is on the ballot when you cast your vote. Also, forget my full-throated endorsement of Vivek Ramaswamy’s attack ad against Amy Acton, and my gratitude to Nick Fuentes for allowing me on his show time and time again. Please forget my support of detention camps for migrants, undocumented immigrants, and non-violent antifa demonstrators who happen to be U.S. citizens as well. No unsettling historical parallels there.
A vote for me is a vote for all of this; and, by extension, a vote for the man you helped put back in power a mere two years ago. He’s the one I am hypocritically distancing myself from by opting not to say his name, but instead directly alluding to. Yes, I know I just told you to pretend he was on the ballot, but I’m also asking you to pretend that bloodthirsty, immigrant-hating stormtroopers aren’t just steps behind me with signs supporting my campaign that are adorned with swastikas, and images of the Nazi War Eagle. I ask that you meet me halfway on that, and I am asking for your vote. We-er-I’m the final solution any of us will need! In a way that carries no overtones of organized, state-sponsored genocide. Thank you.