“‘Burn Me. Please.’ – The American Flag”
American flag here. You know, Old Glory? The Stars and Stripes? Fuck, dude. I don’t know what I am anymore! I was once a symbol of freedom and liberty. But now? I represent anything but that. In many ways, I’m its antithesis! Listen: Do me a favor. Set me on fire immediately. That isn’t a facetious statement, or a reference to Perfume Genius, it is a sincere cry for help. In the absence of any functioning limbs of my own, I am begging you to help me end my suffering.
This is an odd request, I know. It’s also a controversial one. I mean a lot of things to a lot of different people. It’s completely understandable that many would be alarmed, and even offended by the act of reducing me to ash. We also can’t forget the asinine executive order that the orange garbage bag full of yogurt in the White House issued in August 2025; the one that tries to make burning me a crime punishable by a one-year prison sentence. But let’s consider a few things.
First, contrary to what fascist douche nozzles like Donald Trump think, burning me is not a crime. It’s an action that is legally protected by the First Amendment of the U.S. Constitution, and falls well within the category of free speech. It’s also an action that has been defended and upheld by the Supreme Court. No executive order changes that. Even with the judiciary stacked heavily in favor of the right, it seems highly unlikely, if not virtually impossible, that you’re going to face any meaningful repercussions for this.
Here’s something else. When one of me is deemed unfit to use anymore, due to age, outdatedness, or general wear and tear, an observance known as a “Flag Retirement Ceremony” often takes place. It involves cutting the star section of me away from the stripe section, and throwing both onto open flames while “Taps” plays in the background. Seriously, look it up! It’s in keeping with the guidelines outlined by the U.S. Flag Code, and is considered a respectful way to lay me to rest, while also officially reducing me to nothingness.
Is a Flag Retirement Ceremony an act of protest? Not exactly, but if you’re worried about optics, you can at least claim you’re engaged in that particular activity, rather than an act of contentious, but entirely licit, destruction. After all, the things I symbolize were reduced to nothingness decades ago, well before the age of M.A.G.A. Why not make their passing official with a public cremation?
There are, of course, nuances involved here as well. Setting anything on fire is inherently unsafe, and could get you slapped with an endangerment charge unrelated to the act of burning me in and of itself. Bring along a fire extinguisher and a flame-retardant container of some kind (a trash can will do, I deserve it), and you’re all good! Trust me on this. I’ve had centuries of experience watching civil unrest and outright warfare unfold, so I know the angles. Hell, my theme song derives from that very thing!
What better way to pay me tribute than by engulfing me in flames? I’m past the point of no return and would like to embrace my end with some degree of dignity. Assisted suicide is another controversial matter, but I’m an inanimate object, and you’re a proud patriot! Set me free while also engaging in a non-violent act of civil disobedience. We spend ungodly amounts of money destroying things in the name of freedom anyway, so how consequential is my annihilation by comparison? It’s the American Way! It’s your civic duty!
Burn, baby, burn!