“Is There Anything We Can Do to Get You to Contribute?! Aside From Stopping These Texts?”
Candidate So-and-So here. Or Organization X. Or-who/whatever! You made a donation to some progressive cause years ago. Now the time has come for you to do it again! Is there anything we can do to get you to help us? Aside from stopping with the panicky all-caps text messages and emails we’re constantly sending? Sure, you can opt out of them at any time. But can you do so, and then sleep at night wondering if your contribution could have made a difference? History is watching, and judging accordingly!
We wouldn’t be reaching out unless it was incredibly important. We’ve said that before, repeatedly, but this time we mean it. We know it’s a weekday. Or a weekend. Or a holiday. Or some other random time. Who knows? This stock text was authored weeks ago by a campaign staff that was utterly out of new ideas. It’s good to know that at least that “STOP” option is also included in this boilerplate language, but you won’t be taking the coward’s way out by using it. Right?
We’re a grassroots campaign, and we depend on the support of slightly above average information voters like you. Democracy and activism are the pillars of our nation, and a passive, center-left bystander such as yourself is just what we need to tip the scales in our favor! What specific agenda are we asking you to support? Hard to say at this point, seeing as how all the text we use is practically interchangeable, regardless of the issue behind it. You could just dismiss all of this by replying “STOP,” but can you bear to look at yourself in the mirror afterwards?
We know you’re as concerned as we are. Now, more than ever, we need to dig in and push back against the threats of inflation, A.I., forever wars, environmental degradation, and the loss of individual liberties that have resulted from the broken promises of plutocrats masquerading as populists. All you need to do is tap on this shady link that bears a remarkable resemblance to the ones that appear in the obvious scam messages you’re also getting every hour of the day. That, and you could text “STOP,” but we know you better than that, don’t we? Don’t we?!
Don’t you care about our democracy? Do you support the people who are actively trying to destroy it? Does hell on Earth sound like a nice way to spend the rest of your life before entering eternal damnation? Because we’ll be damned if you don’t donate. And so will you! Okay, pack up. It’s over. We thought we could count on you, and every other concerned citizen. Instead, you’ve taken us up on our repeated, borderline comedic suggestion of texting the word “STOP” in order to silence us. We’ll just shutter our offices, close our wallets, and dry our tears on this American flag--
What’s this? You’ve made a donation via the website?! Excelsior! We knew we could count on you! Leave it to our unstated affiliation with your liberal podcast of choice to sufficiently guilt trip you into action! Truth be told, the issue we’re supporting is a worthwhile one, and every iota of support is needed to defeat the coalition of shit weasels gathering at democracy’s door, and ready to raze it to the ground. But a little passive aggressive threatening and condescension doesn’t hurt either. Based on this outcome, it’s clear that you agree.
We thank you for your support, and are looking forward to bombarding you with somewhat differently phrased doomsday-adjacent messaging in the lead up to the midterm.