“Kimberly Guilfoyle’s Farewell Address, in the Style of Her RNC Speeches”
“[Kimberly] Guilfoyle, who was nominated as ambassador to Greece by the president…is out of a job after a series of damning reports in The Wall Street Journal, including that she asked a Republican donor to pay off $100,000 on her American Express credit card just before her Senate confirmation hearing in July 2025.” – Bumiller, Elisabeth, October 13th, 2026, “‘Honey Please’: The Steep Rise and Sudden Fall of Kimberly Guilfoyle.” The New York Times
Hello, America! I’m Kimberly Guilfoyle. I speak to you as a mother, a former prosecutor, a disgraced Fox News contributor, the former Mrs. Gavin Newsom, the one-time future Mrs. Donald Trump Jr., and now the former U.S. Ambassador to Greece. As you have surely heard, in light of egregious, well-substantiated misconduct allegations, President Trump and I have agreed that I shall resign my position, effective immediately. As difficult as this decision was, I believe it was meant to be. I also believe, in the spirit of my batshit speeches at the Republican National Conventions in 2020, and 2024, that the time has come for me to not only loudly proclaim my innocence, but to also stop just short of calling for a full presidential pardon in the process!
Why would I risk drawing even more negative attention to myself at this moment, you ask? In the already immortal words of, well…me, “Honey, please!” I hit bottom long ago, right along with every other MAGA insider and enabler. There’s no depth I won’t stoop to. I know where all the bodies are buried! It’s one of the few upsides of being a willing concubine to Donald Trump’s bastard hellspawn for six years.
I’ve got dirt the likes of which no one has ever seen before! By a lot! (See? That isn’t all I picked up. That and a couple of STDs.) In this case, I assure you that “bodies” is not a figure of speech. Why else do you think the president is so hastily building all these tributes to himself? It isn’t just hubris, it’s a literal cover-up, one involving top-secret burial plots. Oops! Did I say that out loud, and in public? Truth be told, nothing about this should come as a shock or surprise to anyone, least of all myself. My entire life has been one long grift, motivated by an insatiable desire for a jet-setting lifestyle, a total lack of moral restraint, and a face frozen to the ravages of time. Thanks, Botox! You too, collagen!
One need look no further than the expose in The New Yorker for detailed evidence of this. If I thought nothing of disrobing in front of my assistants, demanding thigh massages, and encouraging them to sleep with powerful men to further their own careers, how much of a revelation should it be to hear that I openly courted payoffs from Trump campaign donors in exchange for favorable policy decisions? Too bad none of that will matter since I’m expecting that pardon to come through any time now.
Boy. The things I’ve seen. I was willing to keep my mouth shut about them in exchange for this job, but now that that’s off the table, what’s my motive for staying quiet anymore? The Greeks are going to miss me! They welcomed me with open arms, despite the fact that I referred to them as “freeloaders” during their 2015 financial crisis, and suggested they should be punished like a dog that “pees on the rug” over that whole mess. It’s be a real shame if I dished about the Trump family’s financial stakes in cryptocurrency and A.I. Or how the president’s micropenis is hereditary!
I have faith in the future, and in this great country of ours. I know my lifelong practice of selfishness, exploitation, and failing upwards is sure to endure. No matter where my path leads, it will surely be somewhere with a vibrant nightlife, and an Amex card with an astronomically high credit limit. THE BEST! IS YET! TO COME!!
*notification alert*
Like my newly-issued presidential pardon…