“This Act of Terrorism Must Be Met by Our Own Act of Terrorism!”
“The Pentagon says it will livestream the planned military execution of Nidal Hasan, the former Army psychiatrist who killed 13 people and wounded 32 at Fort Hood, Texas, in 2009.” – Treisman, Rachel, October 9th, 2026, “The U.S. last held a public execution in the 1930s. The Pentagon wants to change that” NPR
Listen up, snowflakes! It’s Secretary of Defense War, Pete Hegseth. I’m here to address the concerns many of you have raised about our decision to livestream the firing squad execution of Nidal Hassan, the man who committed a mass shooting at an army base in Ford Hood, Texas in 2009. If the question of whether capital punishment is a fitting sentence for even this heinous crime wasn’t troubling enough, the method by which we’ve chosen to do it is a whole other can of worms. I’ll speak to you “worms” in a way that only I, a hot-tempered, former cable news pundit with a well-established drinking problem would do. An act of terrorism like this can only be met in kind with another act of terrorism…like this!
Round up John Wayne, Clint Eastwood, and Kid Rock! ‘Cause, it’s cowboy time! It’s American Justice, Old West style. In the absence of a January 6th-style noose and gallows, we’ll have to make do with multiple firearms. But in the immortal words of John Mellencamp, “ain’t that America?” No one knows about country hardball tactics like this better than me, a Minnesota-born Princeton alum who isn’t afraid to get his hands dirty, as long as the hands of others are the ones that will be stained with the blood of the condemned. When this happens, I’ll be shot-gunning a cold one in D.C. with Kash Patel!
I’ll address your questions via the “some people say” method I learned during my time at Fox News. Some people say this is the very definition of cruel and unusual punishment! Some people say this is the kind of thing that we’d see in North Korea or Iran, but this is the United States! Aren’t we better than this? Some people say that the death penalty is barbaric and hypocritical, and that the taking of another life doesn’t restore the lives the condemned person may or may not have been responsible for taking themselves.
Some of those “people” include sitting members of Congress, the overwhelming majority of the American public, and even Vice President J.D. Vance! When an animate piece of plankton like him voices his objection to something, and most of the aforementioned “some people” seem to agree with him, it makes me wonder. Maybe “some people” are onto something?
Maybe during our anger in the aftermath of atrocities like 9/11, and the Hamas attacks on Israel on October 7th, 2023, we weren’t employing the best decision-making skills. Who among us wasn’t baying for the blood of Osama bin Laden and Al-Qaeda when the towers fell? How many of us were enraged at the actions of Hamas, despite our complex feelings about the Israeli-Palestinian conflict? Maybe this, too, is a product of that thinking, or lack thereof? Maybe we should be careful about adapting the tactics of our enemies, lest we essentially become them?
Three words: Fuck. YOUR. FEELINGS! It’s Lord of the Flies time! I didn’t read that book, but I know it involves crushing conscientious objectors with boulders for speaking out against mob rule, and draconian measures like the ones we’re employing here. If I had my way, I’d advocate for that Hasan motherfucker to be crushed under a boulder like the insect he is.
Oh, wait. I am getting my way. I’m the Secretary of Defense War! Have I mentioned that? The only thing that gives me greater satisfaction than binge drinking is the adrenaline rush I get from my random acts of violence that go along with them. This gruesome spectacle fits that category to a T! The execution is on December 3rd. Be there, or be a limp dick radical socialist pussy who likes pointing out signs of an emerging fascist state…like this one. Hegseth out!