“President Donald Trump’s decision to hit the road to campaign ahead of November’s midterms has been met with a mixed reception from political strategists…‘He should stick to the White House; he should just stay there,’ a frustrated GOP operative in Georgia told The Washington Sun after Trump’s visit to Dalton last week. ‘All he’s doing is hurting Republicans.’” – Sommerlad, Joe. October 21st, 2026. “‘All he’s doing is hurting Republicans’: Some strategists beg Trump to stay in White House and not campaign” – The Independent
…Aaaand, here we go.
Yep. They love you. All two thousand of them. Too bad the maximum capacity of this place is ten thousand.
Have you seen the polls?! We’re getting skinned alive.
Of course you’ve seen the polls. But to hear you talk about it, they’re all fake. A product of the Fake News media. Working in collusion with the “Dumbocrats.” Most people don’t know that “dumb” has a “b” in it—
Wow. He just said all of that out loud as I was thinking it. Someone needs to take away grandpa’s car keys. Who wants to tell him? Do you want to tell him? How about you? Or you? Maybe you?
Me? No way! I’m not even saying any of this out loud.
That man is not well. He looks so constipated.
Well, he is full of shit!
…
I wish someone had heard that.
OH, GOD DAMN IT! He’s talking about people’s asses! They’re not laughing with you on this, Don.
Whose asses is he addressing today? Jon Husted? Check. Nicki Minaj? Double check!
He’s looking at me. FUCK!!
Okay. Keep smiling. You have been working out, so take it as a compliment.
He said something that sounded like a punchline. The crowd doesn’t get it. I’d better lean back and look up to really telegraph this pseudo-laughter I’m conjuring. The crowd’s energy is already waning, but this will get them back. Laughter is contagious!
Wait, am I thinking of COVID? COVID is contagious too. Maybe it’s because of this large, probably unvaccinated crowd of red state MAGA drones.
I’m really glad no one heard that.
…
He’s touting the economy. Okay. We can get behind that.
Oh, please don’t veer to the stock market. The stock market is not the economy! Stock gains only benefit people who own stock! That’s not something that applies—
Stop mentioning record profits! That’s only relevant to you, and every other kleptocrat taking advantage of lax regulations and feckless elected officials allowing it to continue unabated! Yes, I know that includes me. Especially here and now as I watch you gleefully slide down a slippery slope of your own making.
Oh. We’re on the ballroom now. The fucking ballroom. Great.
And asses. We’re back on asses again. How long has this been going on? checks watch
Seventy-one minutes. I haven’t even given the keynote address. I can already see people filing toward the exits. They’re probably going to that bar down the block. Maybe I’ll join them. I could use a drink too!
It’s probably easier to talk to them there, anyway. The way any other aspiring public servant would, or at least should, do.
Huh, there’s a thought. Meeting people face-to-face. Hearing their concerns, then figuring out how I can implement policies that help them with whatever they’re struggling with.
Clear communication, hard work, and perseverance. That’s what gets people elected. That’s how change happens! It might be oversimplified, but that’s what it boils down to. Always!
You know what? Fuck this orange garbage bag full of yogurt! I’m gonna get out there and do the work. It might be too late to salvage this campaign, but there are elections every year! I’ll learn from these missteps, and when this guy is out of the picture, I’ll--
Oh. He’s done. It’s time for my speech. Finally. He’s yelling for me to get “my ass” up there. Because, of course he is.
Okay, here goes nothing.
And there goes the rest of the crowd…