“We Hereby Disavow the Man We Previously Disavowed in 2015 and 2021!”
“…a growing number of Republican candidates across the country are openly seeking to distance themselves from President Trump, breaking with a leader who has long held an iron grip on his party.” – Lerer, Lisa and Goldmacher, Shane, September 24th, 2026, “‘Survival Mode Time’: Republicans Accelerate Their Break With Trump” The New York Times
Ladies and gentlemen, thank you for joining us-the entirety of the Republican Party-at this hastily assembled public appearance. The midterm elections are upon us, and the moment of reckoning is at hand. The cost of living is on the rise. A.I. poses an existential threat. The global reputation of the United States continues its downward spiral. It doesn’t take a political expert to pinpoint the primary instigator, and perpetuator of all these problems. Therefore, it is with no small amount of difficulty that we, the men and women of the Republican Party, disavow and deny any support for President Donald J. Trump; the same man we disavowed and denied any support for in 2015 and 2021.
We have stood idly by for too long as President Trump has committed a litany of atrocities and impeachable offenses, virtually free of consequence. Sure, we could have nipped all this in the bud back in 2015 when we first raised issues with his fitness as a candidate. We could have done it again in 2016 by falling upon our swords and refusing to stand behind him when he secured the nomination for president. We could have completely closed the door on this era of history following his instigation of a bona fide coup on January 6th, 2021. That wasn’t just an act of insurrection, it was tantamount to a mass assassination attempt!
But hindsight, as they say, is always 20/20. Coulda. Shoulda. Woulda. What good is looking to the past when the future is here now in the form of the midterms, and it looks increasingly bleak? Of course, given the number of times we’ve reversed course on everything related to Donald Trump for the sake of saving our own sorry asses, who’s to say we won’t just do it again? We’re in the darkest timeline, and we have only ourselves to blame for it. There. We admit it. Is that worth something?
Generally speaking, the midterm elections don’t go well for the incumbent party, and we have no reason whatsoever to think that this cycle will be any different. More to the point, we’re shitting our pants over the whole thing, particularly when one considers (i.e. every single one of you who is registered to vote, and planning to exercise that right) our hypocritical, virtually unwavering support of President Trump in every area that it matters. Not to mention our selective opposition to him when doing so served our own best interests as opposed to say, yours, and that of the nation and the world as a whole.
Would it help if we repeated, yet again, that we do not stand with President Trump? And that we really, really mean it this time? We’ll even go so far as to uphold our oaths of office if you re-elect us. We promise not to capitulate to special interest groups, and will refuse campaign donations from the tech industry, and fossil fuel lobbyists. When Donald Trump is finally dead and buried, we’ll gladly accompany you to take turns pissing on his grave. You’ll just have to trust us on this, despite our countless past betrayals of your trust.
Please know that we have well and truly changed for the better. Just like last time. And the time before that. Help us repeat that cycle indefinitely by giving us, as Vice President J.D. Vance put it, another chance, or another couple of years. Or until democracy as we know it collapses and a fascist theocracy rises to take its place. Whichever comes first.
God bless you. God bless America. And may God have mercy on our souls! If He, or they, even exist. The former has probably abandoned us by now.