“You’ve Won an All-Expenses-Paid Trip to Equatorial Guinea!”
“The US has sent at least 66 people from different African countries, Cuba and Brazil to Equatorial Guinea, which has received $7.5m as part of a deal to cooperate with the US deportation program. The Trump administration has pursued dozens of similar deals with countries to take in immigrants that the US cannot deport directly to their home countries, where judges have deemed they would face torture or persecution. In the past, the US government allowed those people to live and work in the US indefinitely.” – Singh, Maanvi, September 18th, 2026, “Men deported from US bound and beaten in Equatorial Guinea detention hotel, lawyers say,” The Guardian
Greetings, undocumented immigrant who’s been living in the United States for decades, and came here with their parents through no choice of their own! Thank you for reporting dutifully to your regular I.C.E. check-in meeting. We know this can be an intimidating event, but today is your lucky day! That’s because you’ll be receiving an exclusive one-way trip to a one-of-a-kind vacation destination, courtesy of the Department of Homeland Security, and President Donald Trump. Strap in, motherfucker! You’re on your way to Equatorial Guinea! Get this burlap sack over your head, and put your hands behind your back.
To add even more insult to your injury, we’ll treat this like The Price is Right, a show proudly brought to you by Bari Weiss, and the capitulating, spineless sacks of shit at CBS! Keep up the good work, folks. Or expect another lawsuit directed against 60 Minutes that you could easily win, but will instead choose to settle out of court. Need we remind you of that merger you oh so desperately want us to allow? Think of the revenue at stake! Think of the shareholders! Think of how you can live with yourselves as we haul yet another guiltless individual off to a third-world gulag. Could credible, non-partisan investigative reporting on your part have prevented it?
Undocumented Immigrant X, your trip to Equatorial Guinea will take place on a military aircraft, with an as-yet unspecified number of guests (but at least sixty-six thus far). During your fourteen-hour flight, you’ll receive nothing in the way of food, water, or access to a functioning lavatory. Don’t blame us. You were the one who chose to come here without going through the standard nationalization process. Sure, you were twelve years old at the time, and have no remaining family, or plausible points of return to your native Cuba, but personal accountability is everything. That, and brazen, unrestrained xenophobia peppered with a generous dash of obvious racism. The melting pot that is America gets tastier, and whiter, by the day, and we have your deportation to thank for it!
Don’t bother saying goodbye to your spouse and four children. You’ll be too busy saying hello to Equatorial Guinea’s supreme dictator, Teodor Obiang! He’s the second-longest consecutively serving non-royal national leader in the world, and has a list of crimes against humanity to his name that would give Haiti’s Duvalier regime pause. You’ll feel right at home! Seeing as how you’re among “the worst of the worst” yourself, and will be incarcerated in a country whose human rights record is also counted among “the worst of the worst” by Freedom House. This is a match made in deportation hell! All things considered, can it really be that much worse than the hell that is the contemporary United States?
Get in the van, scumbag. Our system is a joke, and our president is a literal reality show host, but this isn’t a game show! Not yet, anyway. The pending merger between Paramount and Skydance could be changing that as soon as Fall 2027. Bari Weiss, we’re looking at you! Please do everything in your power to make it happen. Nice media monopoly you got there. It’d be a real shame if a probe from the Federal Trade Commission and the Department of Justice happened to it.
Undocumented Immigrant X, all this can be yours if the Supreme Court says it’s right! Given the current makeup of the Judicial Branch of government, it’s safe to say they probably will. COME ON DOWN!