“Fellow Antifa Members, Our Façade Has Been Revealed!”
Friends, comrades, brothers, sisters, and non-binary individuals in arms: It seems we’ve been found out. After nearly a century of operating in the shadows, masquerading as an ideology rather than a literal group of any kind, the ruse is no more. This unmasking has proven to be the end of us. It is with the heaviest of hearts that I announce here and now, that Antifa is officially disbanded.
It was surely as much of surprise to you as it was to me to find out we were an organization at all. Who would have guessed? More surprising still was the revelation that this organization had an infrastructure of any kind, or a duly designated leader. I mean, I’m honored to have been the one chosen to carry our red and black banner, but seriously, who the hell am I? Who the hell are you?!
Does the Department of Homeland Security have any files we can access through a Freedom of Information Act request? If the method to do so still exists? I mean, in this day and age, who knows what democratic levers of inquiry are still standing? D.H.S. certainly wouldn’t be making anything up to soothe the senility-induced temper tantrums of a capricious, eighty-year-old manchild autocrat, right? Right?
This is devastating news, to be certain, but we all knew this day was coming. Since our humble beginnings in the early 1930s as a people-led movement against the rise of the Third Reich, our cause was a lost one. It’s not as if organized civil resistance, or outright military insurgence against tyrannical governments has ever succeeded! All things considered, it’s better to simply roll over and submit, both to the whims and wills of the strong, and the ever-growing temptation to sacrifice our hard-fought freedoms to those who wish to destroy them.
What did we think this was, anyway? A democracy? A nation rooted in the simple principle that divine rule and dictatorship is antithetical to secular human values, and human nature as a whole? The next thing you know, we’ll be trying to convince the world that slavery is a crime against humanity, and that women serve any other purpose aside from breeding and housekeeping. All of this raises the question of where we go from here, other than to our concrete bunker studio apartments, the factory assembly lines, and the nearest military recruitment center.
For those who not only feel the need to surrender, but to also suffer for the transgression of living freely, we’ve assembled a list of local police stations—both publicly known, and gestapo-style—that you can visit to turn yourselves in. As the police’s blatant disregard for the laws, statutes and guidelines that they themselves are sworn to uphold continues to erode, we cannot guarantee that torture and other tactics of intimidation will not be used against you. Unfortunately, that is a chance you will have to take. You did, after all, take the bold of saying, “hey, fascism bad” in the first place!
As for me, whoever I am, it’s back to the Deep State. Yes, it turns out that’s a literal place too, rather than another fictional entity operating out of view for the purposes of undermining Donald Trump and his MAGA dystopia. Again, I have no way of verifying my identity, or even my existence, but much like us, the danger is real. Supposedly.
Power to the people, and remember, capitulation isn’t a tactic of the cowardly, it’s the Antifa way! It’s the American way! Soon it will be the way of the world! Trump 2028!