“I’d Like to Make it Clear We Are All “Never Trumpers!’” – A Statement from St. Peter the Apostle

Greetings, humanity! Saint Peter the Apostle here. No need to worry, I assure you this is not your time of judgement. But you may have heard that U.S. President Donald J. Trump has expressed some concern about what may transpire when that time comes for him. Specifically, he’s afraid he isn’t going to get into Heaven, and he has good reason to worry. Setting his obvious wrongdoings and moral perversions aside, there’s something else he should be aware of: I’d like to declare here and now that both I, and the Heavenly Hosts, are staunch anti-Trumpers!

I know this may come as a something of a surprise. The Religious Right in the United States is very much aligned with the policies of the Trump administration. Some of his more zealous supporters have gone so far as to declare that Trump’s ascendence to the Presidency is a sign from God Himself! Yeah, fuck that noise. Speaking on behalf of the Holy Spirit Themself (God identifies as non-binary-deal with it, GOP), I can confirm that is not the case. It’s been that way since long before June 14th, 2015, the day he came down his garish escalator and announced the start of his long-threatened foray into politics.  

Early in Mr. Trump’s adult life, both he and his father were sued for racially discriminatory housing practices, and Roy Cohn represented them in the trial proceedings. That pretty much set the stage for everything that came afterwards. This includes, but is not limited to, his numerous marital infidelities, his legally questionable business dealings, and the outsize hubris with which he conducted himself every waking minute of his day. We all have our moral lapses, but how many of us are defined by them? There are a few names that come to mind: Hitler, Mussolini, Pol Pot, Attila the Hun, the aforementioned Roy Cohn. The list goes on, but trust me when I say it doesn’t get any more appealing. Guess who else it includes.  

For someone who claims to be a builder, Donald Trump should know something about shoddy foundations. His existence has been built on deceit, malice, and outright lies. Nobody is perfect, and most of us aren’t too proud to admit our mistakes. Even I, a literal Saint, have my flaws. Immediately after the crucifixion of Jesus Christ, I denied three times that I had any association with Him. For this, among other reasons, I demanded to be nailed upside down at the time of my own crucifixion because I knew I wasn’t worthy to die in the same way. The only thing Trump seems interested in is profiting off the Presidency as much as he can in his ever-decreasing time on Earth. He has heard that proverb about passing a camel through the eye of a needle as it relates to rich people getting into Heaven, right? Enjoy it while it lasts, Don. You can’t take it with you.

We Christians still believe in redemption, forgiveness, and all that good stuff. As such, we are willing to entertain the possibility of Mr. Trump’s entry into Heaven at a future time. After shuffling off the mortal coil, Mr. Trump can agree to endure Purgatory for a period of time yet to be determined. Once he has atoned for his misdeeds, perhaps through a Dickensian-esque haunting of his still-living colleagues in order to save their souls (Stephen Miller, we’re looking at you), we will reassess the case. Mr. President, we’re watching, and hoping that this will register with you. Please don’t dismiss this as “Fake News.” Idle threats, petty dismissals, and legal action aren’t going to keep you from the work that needs to be done. Stop clamoring for gifts from foreign leaders get to it! The clock is ticking…